For the past week, well actually for the past month, I have been treated and viewed as if I was an object and experienced something I wish I never had to. I seriously break the fuck down for the loss of love and respect around me. With no regards to the other person’s heart, emotions, and their entire being, everything has become so sexual in such a negative, derogatory way. It just leaves me in such a discouraged state of mind. I’m not sure if I can even believe in “love” “romance” “respect” “friendship”
And if it’s anything like what I’ve experienced I don’t want any fucking part of it.
Wow. I rarely ever get on here but damn I’m just filled with so much negative bad shit right now what else is there to do besides put it into my music and write it down?
I have so much to say and I don’t even know where to begin. I’m sitting here sick on the floor with spiked orange juice and moving boxes on my left and my keyboard to my right. I’ve been constantly on the edge of breaking down. Constantly. But it hasn’t actually happened yet. Lately I’ve been filled with so much anxiety. I’m scared to do silly things like go to the store and scared to even hang out with people I know. I don’t know what the fuck this is but this isn’t me. I’m not scared of fucking anything. It’s so unhealthy and not good. I can’t be like this out in LA. I need to be my social self and make contacts. I was talking with a friend today and how there is honestly some huge fucking big shift right now with energy. Everything is super intense and there’s so much change happening there has to be some big energetic shift and I’m just going to have to ride it and flow with it. I just can’t stand being here anymore. I’m learning the art of patience right now and I’m so impatient. I am NOT supposed to be here in Utah. There is so many events that have confirmed that Utah is kicking me out. I am not meant to be here and the longer I am the more crazy I get. I’m so filled with insane emotions. I’m SO FUCKING STOKED FOR DUBSPOT AND LA but I’m so scared and filled with anxiety of leaving a place I’ve know for 21 fucking years. And I need to be surrounded by love right now and I’m just not receiving that.
My body is going through so much change too. I found out the cause of my chronic ear pain after 10 years and physical therapy really has been helping but lately I’ve been in even more pain which freaks me out. I’ve been eating really good one week and then the next week I’m eating really unhealthy. My body is listening to my mind and everything is so out of whack. Simple tasks like getting up or doing an errand leave me absolutely exhausted. I don’t want to do anything but sit at home and sleep and make music. I’ve never been like this and it super freaks me out. I’m social and outgoing and love not being home. I can’t wait to leave. I really can’t. I love music so badly and I want to grow and learn and live life and experience new things and fucking fly man. I’ve hit a peak out here in Utah and though I am a big fish in a little pond out here there just isn’t anymore opportunities. Of course I get offered to get hired for Voodoo Productions and receive a scholarship to play piano the second I’m leaving but those things aren’t big enough for me to stay.
I am trying so hard to embrace what is happening physically and mentally to me right now but fuck man I’m not quite sure how to handle it all honestly.
LA can’t come soon enough. Music is the only beautifully sane thing I hold in myself and heart. I am so damn grateful it is a part of me.
I am art.
I am love.
And I will continue to try my best to be the love that I truly am.
that “because i got high” song is me right now.